In honor of Festivus, I am now going to air grievances in the form of brief open letters.
Dear US Weekly:
If you want me to continue subscribing to your fine publication, I am begging you to stop featuring Heidi and Spencer on the front cover every other week. I can no longer stand looking at their ugly mugs. To atone for this grievous sin, you should feature R-Pattz on the front cover in various naked poses.
Dear Homeless Man By the Train Station Begging for Fare Money:
When you stand in the cold and beg passersby for a dollar so you can get your fare and be on your way, and the passersby are jerks and ignore you, but then when someone (aka me) gives you the dollar out of the kindness of her heart, you should really say "thank you" and not "okay, sweetie, bye." This is probably why no one wanted to give you a dollar in the first place.
Dear Au Bon Pain:
Why, for crying out loud, did you stop offering shrimp rice bowls and replace them with salmon curry? I am a loyal shrimp rice bowl customer and probably have spent close to a million dollars on your shrimp rice bowls over the years. Because of this boneheaded move, you are going to lose revenue as I am now boycotting your establishment over this atrocity.
Dear David Gibbins:
I hate your book.
Dear Fellow Train Passengers:
If you persist on sitting next to me, please don't take up the space allotted to me with your splayed knees and jutting elbows and rattling newspapers. If one more person hits me with their shoulder while reaching for their cell phone, or squishes me against the wall because of their inability to stay in their own personal space, someone is going to get punched in the face.