Thursday, December 18, 2008

Happy Festivus

In honor of Festivus, I am now going to air grievances in the form of brief open letters.

Dear US Weekly:
If you want me to continue subscribing to your fine publication, I am begging you to stop featuring Heidi and Spencer on the front cover every other week. I can no longer stand looking at their ugly mugs. To atone for this grievous sin, you should feature R-Pattz on the front cover in various naked poses.

Dear Homeless Man By the Train Station Begging for Fare Money:
When you stand in the cold and beg passersby for a dollar so you can get your fare and be on your way, and the passersby are jerks and ignore you, but then when someone (aka me) gives you the dollar out of the kindness of her heart, you should really say "thank you" and not "okay, sweetie, bye." This is probably why no one wanted to give you a dollar in the first place.

Dear Au Bon Pain:
Why, for crying out loud, did you stop offering shrimp rice bowls and replace them with salmon curry? I am a loyal shrimp rice bowl customer and probably have spent close to a million dollars on your shrimp rice bowls over the years. Because of this boneheaded move, you are going to lose revenue as I am now boycotting your establishment over this atrocity.

Dear David Gibbins:
I hate your book.

Dear Fellow Train Passengers:
If you persist on sitting next to me, please don't take up the space allotted to me with your splayed knees and jutting elbows and rattling newspapers. If one more person hits me with their shoulder while reaching for their cell phone, or squishes me against the wall because of their inability to stay in their own personal space, someone is going to get punched in the face.

Happy Festivus.


Alissa said...

Dear Car in Left Lane,

You're in the left lane. That's also known as the "fast lane." It's not rush hour and you're driving below the speed limit. Get out of my way.

Dear Montgomery County,

I know this might come as a shock to you, but we might experience snow. I know, I know, we get it every year, but every year you act like YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN SNOW BEFORE. Get your act together and clear the roads in a timely manner.

Dear Yahoo Music,

Stop playing Taylor Swift and the Jonas Brothers. Miley Cyrus is ok.

Alissa said...

Oh also forgot:

Dear T.G.I. Fridays,

Why did you get rid of every dish I liked? Seriously, the blackened chicken alfredo, the chicken finger sandwich, the Friday's chicken sandwich. Why would you do this? And Guy Fieri, or whatever his last name is, is SUPER annoying. Stop featuring him in your commercials and bring back the food I like. You're killing me.

Highmaintenancemom said...

Spiedi sucks...they are so annoying. So with you on that one.

Hazel Designs said...

Alissa, I sympathize with Car in Left Lane grievance.

These are good Festivus airings :)

Hazel Designs said...

HMM, can't STAND those two!

Karmela said...

I did not know that "Festivus," when translated into English, stood for "Crankypants."

Hazel Designs said...

OF COURSE. The Airing of Grievances is an important part of Festivus.

Karmela said...

I think the "feats of strength" is a lot more exciting.